I think this is why I have such a hard time with comments and praise, and I think this is why people get the impression that I’m cold or bitchy or aloof (or just plain stupid for not wanting attention or publicity). I mean, after a while, you really do become convinced that you didn’t earn any of it, that you don’t deserve one word of kindness, that it’s all one big pity party for you. Poor girl, let’s give her a comment, let’s show her some love. You start to believe all that stuff is a lie, you know? Because if you get enough hate, and you get enough negative, you start to trust it. The hate becomes the only thing you can depend on. You can’t depend on the nice stuff because those people obviously don’t have a clue; they don’t know how hate-worthy you actually are.
And pretty soon, you just start to believe that nothing good that comes your way is sincere. Surely they cannot mean it. What is wrong with them? They are supposed to hate me.
I really really fucking hate haters. Bullies, haters, trolls, the lot of them. Not just for myself but for everyone, for anyone anywhere who ever gets hate, who ever gets poked at or torn down or shit on for no good reason other than you are conveniently there.
I don’t think haters have any idea how much it adds up. Or maybe they do. Maybe they know perfectly well what it can do to someone, how dehumanizing it is, really and truly, the kind of person it warps you into, how much it takes away, how much LESS it makes you when all you’re trying to do is be. Not more or better or better than them. Just fucking alive in your own skin.
Maybe to them it’s a way of killing someone without having to worry about getting rid of a body.